


Keeping A Secret

by thegreatandpowerfultoaster



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Kid Fic, Multi, Spoilers from.ep 26-30, Whoops lil angst over here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 12:19:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18660313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatandpowerfultoaster/pseuds/thegreatandpowerfultoaster
Summary: Agent Stern manages to find a half-goat baby three days into his investigation. So much for being productive.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FaiaHae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaiaHae/gifts).



  
Stern had a huge, huge problem.

Well, a physically very small problem but actually, this was going to cause him a lot of trouble down the line, if the trouble this problem was causing him now was any indication.

Despite years of training in self-defense, interrogation and investigation tactics (among plenty of other things), one thing he didn't know how to do was stop a baby from crying.

Especially when said baby was very, very small and also at least half goat.

Which did not put him in a good position at all being that this was exactly the kind of thing he was supposed to report, but Stern also knew damn well what would happen if he did that. Bad things. Baaaaad things.

(Not a goat pun in bad taste, Stern has a little more self-respect than that.)

And no one at the lodge could know about this...they'd probably freak out or riot or-okay, maybe he was overreacting a little bit but it was terribly hard to think while holding a screaming goat-person-baby and trying to calm said baby down before someone inevitably heard and came knocking.

Maybe he wasn't being rational.

Rocking it back and forth seemed to do the trick, while making those quiet little shushing noises of course. But he couldn't keep doing that forever, right? Even if it was pretty cute, and domestic, and nice.

Of course, Stern could have made this a lot easier for himself and called UP as soon as he found a baby in the middle of the forest during an (attempted) investigation. There was the whole thing where his job was to find weird things and then turn them in to his superiors.

But it was a baby! Found in the Monoghela National Forest! And he'd only been in Kepler for three days!

Worse, then someone knocked on his door because today couldn't possibly get any more risky. He hopes that she (because yes, it was a she) could stay quiet for long enough for him to drive away his visitor.

It's Aubrey Little, and she looks incredibly uncomfortable. "Uh...hey."

"Hello? Can I do something for you, Ms. Little?"

She shifts her weight back and forth before holding out a little green bow with a clip on the back. "This is going to sound weird but uhm...My friend told me to give this to you? And I don't know why but with him I've learned it's best to just not ask questions and accept it. So I'm like...I'm not going to ask why I'm giving you a hair bow right now but like...have fun with it I guess?"

She runs off the moment he takes it, and he doesn't even have the chance to thank her. Although even after closely inspecting the bow for...well, anything out of the usual, it just appears to be a normal hair bow.

 _Well_ , Stern signs loudly as he takes a very good, long look at the baby lying next to his suit jacket on the bed.  _Expedition derailed._

Finding Bigfoot is suddenly priority...

He pulls out his notebook from the front pocket of his suit jacket. Priority three, right after "Keep Goat-Baby secret", and "Raise a successful, well rounded non-human child, apparently".

Right after it was "Stay in Kepler", because if he was here then he had an excuse to not let anyone in to see that he was suddenly a parent.

This was....well, he was not ready to be in this sort of thing for the long haul, not with a human baby and most certainly not with a non-human one.

Stern throws the hair bow aside and picks the baby back up. "Well," he whispers, partly to maintain his air of 'Courteous Hotel Guest' and partly so the wailing won't start again. "I suppose I'm stuck with you, at least until you can fend for yourself. So you need a name, huh."

Once, when he was maybe ten, he named a kitten ' _Kitty_ '. He had a beta fish that a neighbor was feeding for him in his apartment in Washington. It's name? ' _Fish_ '.

Needless to say, he did not have the best track record with naming things. Maybe being a baby was different, somehow? After all, he was sure he couldn't just keep calling her baby.

Lauren. That had been one of his aunt's names, he was pretty sure, but it wasn't like it was a bad name. Sensible, maybe and it wasn't like he had anyone he could call to get advice on this sort of thing without sounding incredibly suspicious. Alright, that's another problem down.

At least he can look at it like a list, or a set of problems. That definitely makes it easier.

Okay, next item was...He was pretty sure babies needed lots of things he don't have access to here and things he couldn't just go to this tiny towns store (there was only one aside from a couple groceries nearby at gas stations) and not get talked about. He'd have to drive out to a bigger town, and that was was another problem since...no car seat for a fucking infant.

Fabulous! Suddenly Stern was wishing he was back in the Sahara or that one hellish town in Oregon with the tornadoes or literally anywhere else.

Of _course_ his find that would prove to everyone that he wasn't crazy, and prove to his colleges that he knew Kepler was a lead _would_ be a moral issue.

Who's least likely to tell at the lodge? At this point he doesn't really know, which sets him to worrying again.

Ugh.

At least she's asleep now, and probably won't wake up for a while. Okay, he'll go downstairs and see if there's anything else to worry about, or maybe something a baby needs, and then maybe he can sneak out or something.

When he gets back from a (completely worthless) search around the Amnesty Lodge's kitchen she's back awake, looking around with her wide eyes, fists balled up and goat legs sort of kicking around but not doing much else. Stern sighs and sits next to her on the bed. "I wonder why someone would leave you all by yourself. What sort of parent..."

He didn't want to acknowledge that it might have something to do with that whole...half goat thing. Eww.

Then he remembers the green hairbow on the bedside table. That whole thing was weird...maybe not the weirdest Stern had seen or heard of, even today, but up there. No harm in trying it, so he gently (he has to admit that he maybe isn't the best at gentle) takes what little hair she actually has on top of her head and puts it into the clip on the back of the bow.

And then he's left to muffle a scream as tiny Lauren vanishes and in her place is...

An entirely human baby. Alright. Alright. Magic. He takes it off and puts it back in just to make sure. Yep. It's magical. Off? Half-Goat. On? All human.

Alright. Alright...who gave that to him? Someone knew he needed...

Someone knew?!

That was bad. This was all very, very bad. But that was extra bad. In the other hand, making an excuse for having a human baby was a lot easier than having a high-risk one.

Uhhh, alright. Story time.

Stern isn't a great liar, but he's definitely not a bad one. This still isn't easy by any means. alright, he has family in Kepler, and he's baby-sitting his niece so yeah.

Nobody asks.

Or rather, everyone is so busy trying to avoid any sort of eye contact with him, that nobody sees him trying to appear calm, collected and professional with a bundle of blankets and suit jackets in his arms at the same time.

He hasn't ever considered himself intimidating, but in this case? Fine.  _Fine_ , he can play the bad guy if that's what gets him out of this without a pitchfork and torch riot or worse, seeing what his colleagues would want to do with a baby if it meant answers.

The car ride is harder but he manages it. Two towns over is a Wal-Mart, and he picks up baby supplies.

He also makes a few searches while he's out of town, ignoring the few strange looks he gets from people in the store.

He does however note that the looks he get are terribly different than those he gets at the Amnesty Lodge, and more like...Man with a suit and a baby,  _hot_.

Stern decides that he likes the former looks more than the latter ones, which might seem a little silly from an outsider perspective.

All of this sounded weird from any perspective.

By the time he drives back to the lodge it's getting late in the day and he's got to guess that this crying means she's hungry.

Oddly enough, the lodge is still fairly empty and he gets Lauren back up to his room with no real issues.

And thank God that the kitchen is empty when he comes back down.

Something rattles loudly outsude, perhaps explaining where the more familiar residents of the lodge are at, but Stern doesn't notice it, being too busy trying to teach himself to tell if formula is too hot or not.

The next couple months pass very quickly, but he's got to occasionally falsify a lead when he calls back in with his bosses, or sneak out like a guilty teenager when he's got to run to the store and take Lauren with.

She's usually pretty quiet, thank God, but he's pretty sure she's starting to get teeth now, which means a lot of general weepyness (and occasional goat bleats) from everyone involved, including Stern, because if he's being honest, he hasn't really slept a whole lot lately, and he needs to get out of the house. Lodge. Whatever.

Lauren will be asleep for a couple hours now anyways.

He ambles down the stairs, and almost rams straight into Barclay, who is dipping wet and looks about as tired as Stern feels.

"Whoa," he says, and lets his curiosity get the best of him. "Sorry about that. What happened there?"

As soon as he sees who'd ran into him _(who he'd ran into, maybe? It doesn't matter much)_  Barclay's eyes grow to twice their current size and he starts trying to brush the water off of himself like he's sweeping dust off of himself rather than liquid and water droplets go everywhere.

Hmm. Refreshing.

"Uh...no need to worry about it. Just, the springs out back..."

"You got pushed in?" Stern guesses. That's certainly what it looks like. And where he's so terribly embarrassed? Stern tries very hard to not look at his shirt, which is entirely soaked through.

The following sigh sounds almost relived, although Sterns tired brain couldn't currently notice the difference between relieved and just resigned if he tired. "Yeah. Yeah I got pushed in."

He debates the idea that comes to him for just a second before deciding that this is a  _good_  idea. " Hey, you look like you could use a coffee. I have to be back in-" he feigns checking his watch. "About an hour, but maybe you could go get dried off and then we could go get some...together?"

Barclay seems to be a little more conflicted about it than Stern was in asking him. "Uhm, yeah, okay. Give me five minutes to change and I'll be right out?"

Part of him felt bad for leaving his-he almost started laughing at the absurdity of that-little tiny baby in his room alone, but the door was locked, and he'd managed to sneak a crib and playpen through the window, so it wasn't like he could worry about her falling off his bed or anything and-

He was an absolutely  _terrible_  parent, but who could really fault him, under the circumstances?

And when Barclay comes down the stairs again, looking far more dry and a little less grumpy, Stern couldn't really fault himself for wanting just an hour of not having to worry as much.

He does note that Barclay has a bit of trouble squishing into his car, and aside from being sort of funny, it also makes him hyper-conscious of state of the vehicle, which includes the sheep stuffed animal (there were no goats) in the back of his car that he'd forgotten to move, and the whole drive he's in a state of panic.

_Please don't ask questions, please don't ask questions..._

He doesn't. If there's one thing Stern can definitely say for the residents and employees of the Amnesty Lodge is that they mind their own business better than any other small town that he'd ever been in.

And Stern continues to be infinitely thankful for that. Still, it makes him wonder how long he can keep this up.

It'd be so much easier to just tell someone, anyone even. But, everyone already thought he was crazy and he was well aware that that may as well be the case at this point.

Stern spares a glance over to the passenger seat, where Barclay is sitting quietly and not even bothering to complain about his knees almost being at his chest.

Barclay is...nice. Probably the nicest person in the lodge to him. And hot, because Stern's shallow like that.

He probably wouldn't tell anyone else if he told him about  _her_ , but Stern just doesn't know that for sure, being that a human baby was one thing and a half-goat one was entirely different.

Right, right. Stop worrying so much, just for the next hour.

They end up being pretty quiet until they've both sat down with a cinnamon roll and coffee. "So.." Barclay rubs awkwardly at the back of his neck. "How's your investigation going?"

"Oh, awful. But thank you for asking." He takes a long drink of the coffee. "But I'm still certain that there's something going on here-Not that I see anything wrong with Kepler itself, of course. There just hasn't been anything as convincing as that video on this case since...Well, I'm rambling, but you get the idea."

"I mean, I guess so. I'm sorry that it's going badly."

He does look genuinely apologetic but also still nervous, and he'd really rather that Barclay wasn't nervous.

Stern pauses, cinnamon roll halfway to his mouth, before looking very seriously at Barclay. He wasn't going to say antthing, but he's tired which is making his situational awareness less than ideal. "Do you hate me? I don't want you to hate me. I've been trying to be a good guest and even though you're the nicest to me, I feel like I've maybe said or done something to upset you."

"I..." There's a stall in the conversation in which Stern has time to check his watch, and then straight up have an entire crisis. "No, no of course not. You've been model guest, so quite, and polite and I think you're really nice to talk to, actually. "

"Oh, okay. I just kind of felt like-"

Barclay starts sort of wheezing. "Its been...It's just been a really long week, is all. I don't think I've maybe been. the nicest about it, but I'm just tired and ready to be done."

Stern takes a spot second to recall all the times he's been up all night with a teething baby this week. "Yeah, I guess I get that. I...I didn't say it before, but I think you're really nice to talk to, too."

"We should do this again sometime, you know."

"That sounds great," Stern is fairly certain that he's flushing a very unappealing color under the collar of his white button down, and steals another look at his watch. It's only been thirty minutes once he's left but he can't stop worrying. What if she wakes up and he's not there or someone hears her crying or he forgot to lock the door or-

Barclay coughs quietly, but it's enough to get his attention. "Uhm, I Have a question, and if course you don't have to answer it you don't want to."

"Uh, go ahead."

Barclays sort of leans forward like he's about to tell him a secret. "I just...are you like...married or anything?" Stern's heart jumps into his throat a little bit, for two very distinct reasons one of which he does not care to overanalyze right noe. "I just thought that might be hard if you were, since you've been in Kepler for almost three months now?

Okay.

Okay, so he saw, and maybe he's the little bit selfish with his answer, since he  _really_  likes Barclay and he's been stuck here for this long and yeah, aforementioned hotness. "Uhm, no. I have a daughter, though? Long story. But she usually stays with my mom when I'm traveling. Which is like always."

Too bad he hadn't thought to spread that excuse around, you know. When three days into his investigation on Bigfoot he'd ended up finding Lauren instead.

Then he wouldn't have to hide, but he does and here they are, and here he is. Thirty three minuites.

"Oh. That can't be easy for you."

He just shakes his head and hopes it looks convincing. He didn't know. At least the single parent thing wasn't a lie, exactly.

They went back to just sort of looking awkwardly anywhere but each other (okay, so maybe not  _anywhere_  but each other, because Barclay had tried to fix his hair but it was still kind of damp and messy (more than usual) and Stern was very suddenly reminded about how gay he was and how long it'd been since he's had a good cuddling session with anyone but Lauren.

Who, as expected was not great at cuddling. She'd get there.

"Do you ever get lonely?" It's another thing that he doesn't quite mean to say out loud but his brain is starting to go into tired, useless gay mode instead of professional FBI agent mode and this coffee is not helping at all. "I don't mean...I just mean...I don't know what I'm saying. Ignore me please, I haven't slept quite right in...who knows how long."

Barclays smiles. "Well, I hope it's not something I xould fix at least. I could always being you in more blankets or anything you need. And I guess sometimes I get a little homesick-" Jis eyes widen and his hands fly to cover his mouth as it he had meant to disclose that. ( _Why?_  The investigative part of his brain says.  _Why?)_  "But...but I left a long time ago and the lodge is my family too, and I meant it when I if I like your company. Are you...feeling maybe a little homesick?"

He nods easily even though that is in no way the case.

He likes it out here. Likes this investigation, likes Kepker, and Barclay and really everyone in the lodge, even though they don't seem to like him very much. He's just...mostly sick of everyone else not wanting to talk to him-and if he does manage to start a conversation it's difficult and just doesn't feel like interaction.  _Real_  interaction.

"I guess so. It doesn't really help that no one likes me much."

God, has his life always been this depressing or is that a recent development?

Stern spares another glance at his watch, and stands up. "I really need to be going, I hope you don't mind of anything, it's just-"

"You're here entirely for work," Barclay says and smiles. It isn't a real smile, and Sterns heart sort of wrenches again but not in a really good way. "There is zero reason for apologies. Thanks for this...You were right, I really did need to get out for a little bit."

"Anytime...I mean it."

He needs to get out more himself, and he realizes that (at this point he's being paid for nearly nothing but poking around and asking questions maybe twice, three times a week if you don't count the attempts made to talk to the lodge guests and residents over dinner, although at this point he's mostly given up on trying that).

The drive back to Amnesty is silent but not uncomfortably so, like it probably should have been. Barclay is very softly humming a song he's never heard and Stern finds himself rooting around in his pockets trying to find his phone before opening it to a picture of Lauren.

Only the crib is in the background (and that weird bow in her hair that he's given up trying to figure out) and both the lodge and the true nature of the situation are out of sight. That's fine, right? Nothing our if the oridinary, especially since he's asked.

They pull into the lodge and Stern admires the cute little smile on her face (and the unseemly amounts of drool) as she looks up at him, and the camera. What a sap. He's turning into such a sap. And then he holds his phone out to show Barclay, and he really does smile this time.

"She's so cute! And small. How old is she?"

He doesn't actually know for sure, especially since she's not human, but around six, seven months seems like an accurate guess. He tells Barclay so and his smile disappears.

"I would miss her so much," He says, shaking his head. "I don't know how you do it. I'd just worry about coming back one day and she didn't even know me. Maybe that sounds silly. I've never been a parent or anything, but...Sometimes I worry about my family like that."

"It's not silly! I mean, I guess I'd worry about that too, but I figure I'll probably retire really early on and be around a lot."

More like, straight up quit before any of his colleges find out, and try to come up with a good reason to just barricade himself off from anyone he's ever known prior to this point.

At this point Barclay is just kind of smiling at him nervously, he the car runs smoothly in the background . "I'll-" Stern hesitates just for a second. "I'll see you at dinner?"

"Oh, Yeah. Yeah. Uh...have a good....Have a good whatever it is you're doing."

About three months later and things in Kepler get...weirder. Which means he's got an excuse to stay, of course which is nice.

It's getting harder and harder to balance his actual investigation which his parent 'job' but that's fine too. It's just a little more stress, and he loves her so much that he'd be willing to take on a lot more, even.

And then Kepler...He loves Kepler, even if the people haven't proved themselves he's to be especially welcoming, he's becoming a sort of permanent fixture. Not one of them, maybe but still there, still not going anywhere.

"Alright!" He says to Lauren, who's sitting on the floor with her lamb, making noises at it and sort of happily bouncing up and down. "So, I'll be back in two seconds, I just left at left my laptop downstairs and I can't let anybody mess with it."

The people he had in mind for that particular crime were Ned Chicane or Aubrey Little. Of course it wasn't -wouldn't be for malicious reasons, but they'd still be messing with a federal investigation.

Lauren just drools in response which is plenty good for him.

His laptop is where head been sitting for breakfast with it. really, he hadn't even realized he'd set it down. Probably because he'd been talking to Barclay and the rest of the world sort of had melted away and-

 _Yeah_. Yeah he was in that deep by this point.

He starts back upstairs, before he hears loud talking outside. Not especially kind sounding, either. Strange. He sets his things back down and goes out there, just takes a sort of peek onto the porch.

There's a motorcycle gang outisde. Well, okay so he sees their jackets, and a few faces he's seen around and he knows they aren't a motorcycle gang, but he doesn't really know what they are.  _The Hornets_ , they call themselves.

And it seems that they're half of the argument going on in front of the Amnesty Lodge. It quiets as soon as he steps out. Just as strange, but not really out of the norm. "Everything all right?"

Mama shoots him a dirty look while still managing to appear almost relieved, as does Hollis, the Leader of the Hornets, and Barclay throws a gesture discreetly back towards the door, as if to say that it wasn't his argument. It's really not, and besides he's got to get upstairs.

(Stern doesn't manage to grab his laptop, but he doesn't even notice.)

"Okay," he says as soon as the door is opened, and he leans forward to put his laptop on the bed. "I think we should probably head to the park until the Hornets leave and Mama's has a chance to cool down. Just let me say a quick prayer that no more soccer moms hit on me. And-"

Wait...Where'd she go? Was the door not shut? It all catches up with him at once.

Her sheep is gone,  _she is gone_ , Stern is panicking. Okay, okay. Deep breath. just...He needs to treat it like an assignment, or something. she can barely even take a few steps without holding onto something, and she can't crawl  _that_  fast, so she can't have gone far, right?

Okay, not under the bed. He's pretty sure about that, since usually even with her disguise her eyes are weirdly bright. Not in the closet, either. That leaves...anywhere outside his door, inside the Amnesty Lodge.

Suddenly the breathing exercises he's doing in his head become absolutely worthless.

He rushes out the door, one hand on the doorway and flying down the hall, checking for any other open doors. There's only one open.

Nice, great. because the owner of the room is current outside, or at least he was about a minute ago, so his chances aren't ba-

Oh, no.

Oh no, his career is over. He's a terrible investigator, a terrible parent, and soon enough either an angry mob of Kepler townspeople (although admittedly even a panicked mind is having a hard time picturing that) getting wind of what they'd see as an abomination, or some wannabe hardass from UP would decide that she'd be the perfect test subject to disect or something just as bad.

Stern isn't...he has never been an especially emotional person. In fact, most people immediately assumed he was entirely emotionless. It was ultimately just this expression.

But...he's crying now  _(just a little)_ , because it seems so terribly hopless. He can see the shadow of Barclay on the open door, and although he can't see her from here, there's a little stuffed sheep in the doorway and a familiar happy babbling coming from inside.

_And he just can't think of a way to fix this one._

For a moment he just sits there...his brain is kind of short circuted. Barclay peeks his head out the door, holding...holding Lauren, and her hairbow is in his other hand.

"Uhh hey? You can come in if you want. I think we'd better talk."

He just nods.

Barclay sits down, watches as he picks up the sheep off of the floor, and pats the bed beside him. "She won't let go of my beird," He says, pretty calmly for holding a half-goat baby. " I hope that means she likes me?" A pause. "Are you crying?"

"I...I-"

His hand comes up and brushes his thumb across Stern's cheek. "This is...It's been a long day and I'd guess you're pretty freaked out or scared, and I don't really know  _what_  the situation is, but I definitely have as much explaining to do as you do. But I'm not going to tell anyone. She's...Like me."

"What?"

Barclay smiles. "It's a long story. But...She's half human, and where we're from, that's not always taken kindly to. It's...You found her out in the woods, right? Maybe a half-mile from the lodge?"

Stern asks him how he knew, and what he means. And Barclay tells him, after a teeny sigh and a grimmace. It isn't all good. Well, some of it is, because  _God_ , does that warm fuzzy feeling of being right taste so sweet after so long.

But like Barclay is telling him, it's not all great. Obviously he can't tell anyone, (although, the more he thinks about it, that part is fine) and there are monsters. Just not really in the way he was expecting. 

Which brings him to the three-ish big points. Biggest points.

One being that Barclay is Bigfoot. He tells him so, in terms just as plain as that even though he looks uncomfortable. "Nice," Stern says. "Uh, those disappearances though?"

"I was running with some other monster hunters? Like we do here but...things went south. It isn't...I try not to think about it. They were my friends."

Two being about the abominations. That isn't excellent news, but along with everything else it explains a great deal of things. Like the complaints from the water parks and the hot springs closing and whatever had happened with the Hornets the other night.

Three is...Three is what Barclay tells him about Lauren.

"There are occasionally half-humans in Sylvain, since there are other gates, and...Well, I guess you or how people are but. It's kind of...Unless you look one-hundred percent Sylph it's kind of like...not great, for you. hundreds

"If you even make it long e o realize that. If you even get to stay. I was lucky...I didn't get kicked out until I was almost an adult, and that was because I started a lot of trouble.

"I think I already told you, but she's so lucky to have you. Most of us don't have anyone."

Stern doesn't quite realize what he's doing until it's done, and his nose is buried into the space where Barclay's neck and shoulder meet. "You have everyone here. And You have me. I...I like you, and I think that you're really brave for telling me all of that when I obviously could've called my bosses or told you you were crazy or something. Or...hurt you. I hope you didn't think for a second I could hurt you. I wouldn't."

Barclay's sniffling too, but it's interrupted by a laugh when Lauren decides she she isn't getting enough attention from this entire situation and headbutts Stern and starts making noises that he's sure have a meaning-he just has yet to figure out what that meaning is.

"At first I didn't know that, but I learned. It kind of all solidified that first day when we went to get coffee. You were like me...at least a little. You have a family too, just...not in the way I was lead to believe, exactly but you do. I...Do still have a question, though."

"Anything," he mumbles, and shifts so he's hip to hip with Barclay still but moves Lauren into his lap and nods at whatever she's trying to tell him. Next to him Barclay's looking for something, and then holds up a little green hair-bow. "Not that, though," Stern corrects and makes a nearly subconscious movement to keep Lauren from trying to grab it out of his hand.

Barclay's nose scrunches up at him. "Why not that?"

In the months that he'd had it he still hasn't been able to figure it out. "Aubrey gave it to me, said a friend of her's said to give it to me with no further explanation."

"Cryptic," he says but his expression has soured even further. "Just cryptic enough to give himself away, though. I was wondering why he came in this morning. We'll have to have a talk, is that okay? You and me, and Mama, and well, everyone. But...can I talk to them first?"

"That would probably be best. Is there anything I should know before that happens? They don't...well, nobody here seems to like me a lot and I guess I understand now, I don't really know how to make it up."

He shakes his head and leans down a little, smiling at both of them. "Just be you, Stern. I know you. You're good."

They're so, so close now and Stern doesn't know if now is a great time to try to kiss him but God, if he isn't going to just go in for it.

It's good for a little bit, Barclay is warm, and he makes Stern feel warm inside. He doesn't have to think as hard about the absolute absurdity of this entire thing when he's kissing him. Her just has to think about how nice and warm and perfect this is compared to how worried he'd been a moment prior.

And then something slams into his stomach again, unusually hard. "Hey!" He says, feeling just the slightest bit annoyed before his investigative side kicks in again, and somewhere behind him Barclay starts laughing. "That wasn't very nice. Are you getting horns? Does that happen? God, I hope it isn't like teething, that was the worst and we all know it."

"It does happen," Barclay laughs. "And I think it might be worse. You'll have to ask around, though."

They all sit down somewhere in the Amnesty Lodge that he'd never seen before, downstairs.  _'They all'_  being Him and Lauren in his arms, (even though she keeps reaching for Barclay) and Barclay, Mama, And Dani. He has been assured by Dani that Aubrey, Ned, and Duck would be here if they could.

He doesn't know why they would, or how they fit into all of this, but he nods anyways and lets Dani proceed to coo over Lauren, and it makes her look a lot happier than she had before, he notices.

She's looks like he's been through hell, or at least hadn't slept in forever, so even if his ridiculous overprotective parent sirens are blaring he makes the rational part of himself take over.

And then they start talking.

Nearly all of it goes over his head, but he gets something about staying, ( _him or Lauren?_ ) and the possibility of him telling UP (he stops them there and says that he wouldn't tell them, and  _exactly_  why he wouldn't) and then they start talking about how they could use help.

"Is this an abomination thing?" He cuts in. "I mean, what else would do something like that to the Hornets, right? I know I'm not one of you, but I'm trained in any number of things that is experience I'm guessing most of you don't have-I'm not trying to brag, of course. I just want to be helpful, however I can."

Is this a please don't kill me plea? It feels a little like one.

They all turn and look at him. "Sure," says Mama, and he almost falls off his chair because he hadn't realized a solution to nearly all of his problems would be so easy.

"Barclay's ready to vouch for you...has been for a while, and there's also no one I trust more. But-" He really should have expected a catch. "I don't know you, Stern, so the  _second_  you hurt one of my people...Well, they aren't gonna find you."

_At least not in once piece, they aren't._

"I wouldn't betray your trust like that. Any of you," He shoots a glance at Barclay. "Just point me in the direction that you want me to go. But I've got conditions, too."

The room sort of freezes up, which is the reaction he'd been expecting, but not really one he'd wanted. "You've got to help me figure out how to raise a non-human baby because at least one of you is non-human and I'm terrified I'm going to mess something up."

Dani starts laughing. "Well, it looks like you maybe got through the hardest part. How on earth did you get down to the kitchen so often and not a single time anyone noticed you were mixing up formula?"

"I tried to do it when nobody else was in the kitchen but...You were all so intent on not looking at me at all costs it wasn't as hard as should have been. Or at least...most of you were."

Barclay turns a bright red and his head falls into his hands. Stern hears something that sounds like, "I was too busy looking at either your ass or your nice eyes to notice you weren't just microwaving leftovers," and Dani starts laughing again, even though she still looks so tired. Our of the corner of his vision he catches Mama smiling and rolling her eyes.

 

 

Later, Barclay drags him down to the kitchen and closes the door and lets Lauren crawl around and stand up and do that bounce thing she does to her heart's content.

And they talk more, and all of the half-truths he's gotten from Barclay up until now fall into place, and they make the most ridiculous domestic plans and Stern's heart threatens to explode in his chest.

"I think in here would probably be the best place to put a highchair, since there's a couple for the dining room but if you wanted we could get a softer one."

Literally his face just hurts from smiling so much, so wide and it's so stupid and perfect. "Okay! You wouldn't mind that it'd take up your space?"

"God, no. It gets so boring in here sometimes, I'd like it if-hey! You could eat in here too sometimes, if you wanted."

"I'd love that. I'd love to spend every moment I can with you, Barclay. I want the lodge to be my family, like it's yours, and I'd really like to-"

"Kiss you again?" Comes a lilting voice from the doorway. "Oh dear, I can come back later, it you two are planning on it. I'm afraid I was a bit distracted and didn't look ahead first to see if I'd be interrupting."

The man in the doorway is unsettling, but not unfriendly sounding. Maybe he'd be less intimidating if his eyes could actually be seen underneath his huge, round red glasses.

Barclay sighs from his spot, against the counter. "You know for a fact right now that the chances of us doing anything just dropped to none. I assume you were the one responsible for that disguise?"

He only seems to notice Lauren then, holding onto a chair and bouncing. They man smiles, incredibly, ridiculously wide. "Yes. Do you know anyone else who can both predict a need for something before it happens and enchant something that seamlessly?"

"Aubrey's getting better," Barclay says flatly, and turns back to Stern. "That's Indrid Cold."

 _Nice_. Today just keeps getting weirder.

"I'm also the Mothman, although I like my name and much prefer it to any of my other acquired titles. It's nice to finally meet you, Agent Stern."

_ Nice. _

"Nice to meet you too? I hope you know I could've used more direction than just an anonymous gift, especially when I had no clue what it did, at first."

His smile gets wider. "You've done fine. Better than fine, even. Obviously better than her biological parents did. And I daresay that it is probable you'll do even better now with-" He shoots what appears to be a very long look at Barclay, although it's hard to tell behind his glasses. "Assistance. Do take breaks for yourself, though. Monster-Hunting, parenting. It's all very hard work...or so I'd assume."

Barclay throws his hands up in a shooing motion, and although his words are mean they're without any real bite in them. "Get out of my kitchen, you huge asshole!"

"Alright, alright! I'm going to stick around to watch Saturday Night Dead, though if that's alright. And then I'm leaving. I don't suppose Duck has gotten back yet? No, no don't answer that. He wouldn't have."

Barclay has shooed Indrid Cold into the lobby now, where people have begun to gather to watch whatever terrible movie Ned Chicane has planned for tonight, and their friendly bickering has turned into just more wordless chatter, and Stern finds himself smiling again, lost in thought before a teeny hand shows up on his leg.

"Hi there," he smiles down, using one hand to smooth down her perpetually messy brown hair, and holding out the other so she can grab onto it.

She says something in reply, even. "Da!"

That has to be a coincidence, right? It still makes his heart speed up again. "Busy day, huh?" Lauren spits at him. "Yeah, pretty much, huh. Let's go out and see if there's still somewhere to sit, okay? I'll make sure to cover your eyes if it gets scary."

There is still a place on one of the couches, next to Dani and Aubrey, but he finds himself sitting on something uncomfortable. What is-

Oh, it's his notebook, the one he hasn't bothered to put back in his drawer yet. Opening it, he finds his priority list from almost seven months ago.

(1) Keep Goat Baby  _(this was crossed out at some point and replaced with 'Lauren')_  Secret.

_(Failed step one, he thinks happily.)_

(2) Raise a successful, well rounded non-human child, apparently

 _'With help!'_ He scribbles underneath it. That does make it seem less intimidating.

(3) Find Bigfoot

Time to update that. He scribbles out ' _Find_ ' and writes ' _Date_ ' above it, and feeling proud of that one he turns to show it to Aubrey and Dani, who end up wheezing and falling over each other laughing.

(4) Stay in Kepler

Stern still isn't sure how that one's going to go. There'd have to be a good reason for him to quit UP with no suspicion, but it doesn't feel like an impossible task. At the very least, he can buy himself some time with half-truths.

Someone starts to turn up the volume for the TV in the lobby, and Barclay moves to sit down next to him, and Stern doesn't let himself worry about it anymore. Whatever happens, he's going to do good here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of ep 30 compliant since it takes place in those two months between the last arc and this one. Yeah, and in case you were wondering, both Aubrey and Minerva get VERY loud and VERY competitive over Super Mario Party.

Lauren took her first steps today. Not holding on to anything, and just a few, since she really wanted to pet Duck's cat. He's telling Stern about it over the landline when his boyfriend starts sniffling.

"No, no no. Please don't cry. I've...I've done that enough today, don't get me started again."  Barclay sighs and leans against the wall. Tries not to sigh into the landline. Fails, probably. 

Stern, across the line is trying to hide his little sobs, and it breaks Barclay's heart.These have been the longer two months of his entire life.  _"I'm...I'm okay, why wouldn't I be?"_ He sniffles. _"You know, because it isn't like I'm missing my baby's first steps by herself and it's not like I have to lie and tell everyone she doesn't exist and you don't exist and-"_

Great, now Barclay's crying again too. "Babe, what did I tell you? Look, I know it's hard, I know. We'll get through it okay? We'll figure it out in no time and then you'll get to see her. I love you, okay?"

_"I love you too."_

"Do you want to talk to Lauren?"

Stern sniffles into the receiver again. _"Yes, please."_

He sets the phone down on the table and runs over to Ms. Pearson's couch, where Lauren's sitting by her and contentedly watching The Rockford Files. "Lauren, your dad wants to talk to you, come here!" 

She pops up as fast as she possibly can, pulling herself up with the back of the couch and trying to launch herself into Barclay's arms. He picks her up and holds the phone up to her. "Dada?" 

Barclay smiles and listens to Stern talk and Lauren babble back, occasionally using 'Dada', or 'yes', or 'no'.  Finally 'Bye-Bye', which is a pretty new one, and Barclay brings back the phone up to his own ear.  _"She's got to go to bed soon,"_ Stern says. 

"She will, don't worry dear." 

_"It's almost eight."_

"Yep. I could tell because the neighbors just started nightly Super Mario Party, and Leo's gone to bed." 

_"What? I...was that supposed to be humor?"_

"How long has it been since you slept?"

_"God, that obvious?"_

 Barclay smiles sadly. "Yeah, just get some sleep and call next time you've got a minute, okay?" 

 Sigh.  _"Will do. Did I say I love you already?"_

"You did, but I still wanna hear it. I love you, too. Bye, dear. Stay safe, alright?" 

_"That's double for you. Goodnight. Call you later."_

Maybe tomorrow will be a little easier. Maybe Stern will be able to slip away, finally. Barclay hasn't actually seen him in too long, and maybe lonely isn't a good word for it since he's got Ms. Pearson and Lauren and Leo Tarkesian has invited him over for tea more than once, but nothing will fill in that gap that Stern does except, well...Stern.

He misses the way things were before. Movie nights and the entire lodge trying to fit in one little space for pictures half of them wouldn't show up in, and ski days. 

And there are the tears again. Shit. He picks Lauren up again, puts her in her crib. "Night." She says, and that's really the extent of her vocabulary , at almost one. Well, that and Cat, of course because she loves Duck's damn cat. 

He can't believe the one year old is holding up better than he is. Sometimes she'll cry, because Stern isn't there and sometimes she'll just get excited when someone is at the door and then get...less so when it isn't him.

But it's still better than him, to be honest.

He wishes he could do something, but Stern is keeping the blows on them relatively soft, and keeping her safe. Keeping  _him_  safe, too which honestly makes Barclay dredge up a lot of feelings he hadn't felt since...

Well, since a long time ago. 

Barclays decides to go to bed, then because at the moment, there's nothing more to do other than making sure Lauren had her stuffed sheep and hoping that Super Mario Party didn't get too competitive next door.

This had to end somehow, right? 

He takes one last look at the little girl before shutting the door. He just hopes it ends alright, this time.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *grabs your hand* No, WE'RE back on our sternclay bullshit!

Barclay had just finished the dishes for the night, and turned off the brightest of the lights in the lobby, when he heads up to bed. The door creaks just a little when it opens, and he adds oiling the hinges to his never-ending mental to-do-list.

He's been running the lodge for years, now, but it just feels _different_.

Well, he knows why it feels different. There's a constant stream of people coming in and out of the lodge, even when it isn't ski season. Mama's not here to offer moral support anymore (she and Thacker had went...somewhere), but he's figuring it out, and whenever she's back near the gate she calls.

She likes to tell him that he's just hyping it up, because he's been running the lodge basically forever, but a good fifty percent of his clientele these days is either people from Sylvain, or UP agents. It's weird. Both groups had scared him, before all of this. Not anymore.

And he's got Stern to worry over, of course, and Lauren. 

But...But the loud, hard part of his day is over, and inside their room Stern is laying on the floor with Lauren on his chest (bow off, since she's teething or something and the bow makes her more irritable. Indrid says it's normal, Barclay just doesn't have a why) and reading a brightly colored cardboard book. 

It's adorable. His family is adorable _(Isn't Barclay lucky, to go from having no family at all, to one as large as he has now?)._

He flops on the floor beside them, ignoring the way his back protests, and curls around Joseph. Lauren holds a hand out towards him, clearly wanting him to hold it, so he does, and presses a kiss on top of his boyfriend's head, but doesn't interrupt the story, something about Santa and reindeer that's wildly out of season, but clearly her favorite by how other she picks it up out of a pile and shoves it at anyone she knows well enough to ask. 

Barclay could probably recite it, but he doesn't mind it, not really. Can't even pretend to be huffy about it, like Haynes or Indrid or Mama can. 

Joseph finishes the book, and hands it off to Barclay. Then he slowly draws himself up, lifting Lauren with him, and setting her down in her crib, and shaking her stuffed sheep at her. "We're going to bed right?" He says gently, giving her a faux-stern look. Well, a real Stern look, just one of his sillier ones.

He turns away from the scene, and shoves the book into the small, overcrowded bookcase. His face hurts, from smiling.

She babbles at him for a minute, but Joseph takes that to be good enough. "Okay, goodnight sweet girl."

"Mmm, dad!" 

"Yep, we're gonna sleep too, it's bedtime. Goodnight, Lauren."

"Ni." (That's pretty good!)

Stern turns off the lights, and falls into place in bed next to Barclay. He wants to say something, anything, but they're trying to get her to sleep, and suddenly he gets the thing that Stern's been telling him, that they need to give her her own room, next door. 

Normally, he'd settle for nuzzling into him, and just being there, but something's suddenly very much on his mind. With all the change, lately, what's with one more, right?

"I think I want you to marry me," Barclay whispers into the dark.

He gets a soft hum in return. "Like...how would that work? I mean..Just the legal part. Could we do that?"

"I - Don't know? That wasn't the answer I was expecting, dear." 

Joseph sounds like he'd suddenly found something to choke on. "I - Oh! Yes. Of course I'll marry you, it wasn't even a question. I just...I don't know." His choking turns to a small wheeze of laughter. "The legalities of marrying Bigfoot just seemed like the thing that was actually in question, here."

"I'm leaving you," Barclay tells him dryly. "Take your fancy suits and go."

"Hhm, okay. Can I have custody of the lint roller, then? I live with a lot people with shedding problems."

"No, I need that for the couch. Same problem, now that it's warming up." 

There's a screech from across the room, and then, "Dad! Shuuuush!"

Stern and Barclay can't help it. They both start laughing, but Stern's the one to get it together first. "Okay. Goodnight!"

"Shush."

They're quiet for all of fifteen seconds, until Stern leans in close. "I'll marry you, legalities aside. But umm, there is one of we should maybe do first?"

"Yeah?"

"Meet my parents? They...Don't know about you, or Lauren, or...any of the rest of it? And I'd like to tell them. Slowly, maybe but. Everything. Is that okay?"

He thinks back. Not very long ago, letting someone know who he was would've meant death, basically. But here they were. "Yeah, I'd like that, I think. Plus, watching you struggle with it is gonna be hilarious."

"Oh, ha ha. We'll see if you can make it through my second hand embarrassment. I love you."

"Love you too, Joseph. Thanks for...For being part of my family. For trusting me. Us."

"Right back at you. Thanks for taking care of me. A - And Lauren. She loves you, too. Even if she's not sure how to say it yet."


End file.
